I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
