Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize