i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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