I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
