vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
