if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
