I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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