she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
