We're like a lot better than the average bears
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Randomize
