dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
