When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
