just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
