I accidentally burped into my bong.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
