I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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