I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
