Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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