U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i wish my penis had a tongue
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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