Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
