dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
