Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
