i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
