I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
