If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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