hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize