I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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