I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
