How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
