sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The power of my boobs compel you
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
