We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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