The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
