You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize