the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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