my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I smell like Dick and happiness
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
