I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
