My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
