whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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