Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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