I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize