She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
