Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
