I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
