I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
