in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
