I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize