So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
