i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
