My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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