so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
