I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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