i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
