haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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