I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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