My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
