hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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