I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
