Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize