I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
