why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
