she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
