So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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