party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
