he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
