If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
