Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
