i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
