so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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