so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
