What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
