You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
