I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
