im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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