I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
