I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
