Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
