Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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