I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
